Honk or not honk ?

This morning when I was on my usual way to work.. I saw something that totally pissed me off!!
As I was approching the 2nd NPE toll that heads towards Sg Besi, there was quite a long queue for the toll. I was like the 12 or 13th car away from the toll... everyone was behaving quite well getting in the queue line... and suddenly 2 blardy cars coming from the back and head towards the toll counter straightaway and expected the other cars whose in the queue to give way to them!!
My blood was boiling then and I really had 1/2 the mind to honk them even though I was quite far away from them... But then, on 2nd thought I didn't.. my car was pretty far away from them and the car in front may think... What the f**k is she honking me for!!?? So better not.. and I didn't....
As it was almost my turn at the toll counter...ANOTHER idiotic car cut queue and went behind me... AGAIN.. I wanted to honk.. and I turned back to star c*ck at the driver... while I was waiting for my change and shook my head... and then I left the toll... I was still pissed off then...

As I was driving off, I kept wondering, what could happen if I just honk at these cars... then my imagination went wild to those action pack movies whereby the driver will come down.. and start banging on my window.. and start creating a scene... and then the road bully start dragging me out from my car.. threatening to hurt me... then the other drivers come running.. to help me.. and stand for justice and started yelling at the road bully for being wrong first as the other drivers were also quite pissed at these road bullies and it's just that they didn't dare to speak up.

Anyway, there wasn't any ending of my day dreaming as it was interrupted when I saw the jam in SMART tunnel :P

Anyway.. that's my morning...

SO the question is.. should I honk or not ?

Christian's BIG Day

It was a ordinary Tuesday... but it wasn't ordinary for Christian as it was his FIRST step to another stage of his life... Going to school!!!

Well, I didn't really have to drag him out of bed at 7.30am even though he's NOT an early person like his daddy... all I did was... turned off the air con... open the door... and walk in and out of the room and kept repeating this sentence... Christian, wake up!! Lets go to school!! Christian, wake up... lets go to school!! Do you want to go to school ?? Lets go to school... He was still half asleep but he was smilling and mumbled... lets go school... lets go school... so eventually... he got out of bed... got ready.. had his milk.. showered... while everyone around him was fussing about him going to school... Wah!! Christian going to school already ???? Wah... Christian big boy already.... hahaha!!

And he was waving bye bye to everyone before he's off to school. Ramesh came and picked all of us up... I think he's also quite excited and anxious abt his son going to school... and so was I. I think I hardly slept a wink that night... Looks like his parents are more excited than him huh... heheheh!!

Went to school.. which is less than 5 mins drive away from my place... and greeted by the school 'manager'.. yeah.. she called herself manager instead of principle.. aah well.... her name is Su En.. and she was encouraging Christian to play with her and the rest of the kids ard his age there.. she got Christian to help her carry a box full of 'doctor's' toys.. and Christian... despite being anxious... looking around.. making sure his daddy & mummy were still around and has not left him all alone... can't help himself but check out those toys...

So Ramesh asked me just step out first... since his attachment to me is stronger... then he told Christian... 'Pls take care of daddy's bag (full of his camera stuff - U know la... being 1st day of school.. we wanted to take pictures but unfortunately.. Ms Su En said.. it's their policy.. no photographs allowed).. and daddy go out for a while.. will come back later ok... Christian was distracted by the toys and Ms Su En... so he didn't really put up a fuss on it...

Ramesh & I went for tea nearby the school... just incase... and I called to check on him after 1/2 hour or so.. the teacher said.. he's pretty ok... cried a little... but they managed to coax him and he's up in his class now... Phew!! So we went to do our stuff (oh yeah!! I was on leave for such an important occasion ;) ) and went back to school ard 11.05am... his session ends at 11.15am... the minute we walked to the front door... we hear a loud familiar wail.... and when we entered... we saw the teacher carrying Christian walking towards us while the poor boy was sobbing his lungs out... Teacher Anne said... he was alright until he saw you two walking in... hahahahah!!!

So we took him to the hall with the rest of the kids... I smell somethin really nice and Ms Su En told me they made popcorn and in the midst of having them for snacks!! Great!! That means Christian was enjoying his popcorn until he saw us.. and decided to abandon his popcorns.. hahahah!! So finally.. he settled down and continue to munch on his popcorns with Ramesh & I sitting next to him while I chatted with Ms Su En about his 1st Day progress.

She said.. he was pretty good..and she added.. after Ramesh & I left for a while... it suddenly daunted on him that his parents were not around .. and began to cry... Teacher Anne took him out to the play area.. and let him play on this particular blue bike that he likes... and then took him to the music room (its his favorite room, btw) and gave him a little drum and drum sticks... He return the drum to Teacher Anne and said.. 'Put back'.. and walked over to the bigger drumset instead... hehehehehe! After a while he was ok... and Su En added that he really enjoys music lessons... but was a bit bored when it comes to storytime and sessions where he had to sit still...

Oh yeah!! Su En actually brought him to go see his cousin.. Sidney thinking familiar face will help him to settle down but.............. (yeah.. they're in the same school but different year.. Sidney's is 4 and Christian is 3).. Christian called Sidney! Sidney!... but according to her... Sidney walked the other way.... Hahahahahahah! So farneeeeee....

Anyway... everything was fine for him UNTIL of course... he saw us walking in... hahahahhah!!

In a nut shell.. it was a good start for him... and can see that he's very happy about the 'school' thing... even though he kept calling the school 'Sidney school'... So we are correcting him now... Christian's school...............

Here's some memorable pics to share...

Hair Cut Day

Since everyone is in a 'hair cut' mood... Christian too went for a hair cut today... coz all his hair was really long and sticking out everywhere esp. into his eyes... so he's kinda annoyed... so hair cut session we all went..

We took him to the Indian barber nearby my place... and Christian sat on a plank which was placed on the normal barber chair quietly and excitedly anticipating his hair cut...

The Indian barber was tellling Christian... look straight at the mirror arr... don't move your head arr... while Christian grinned cheekily and try to remain still as much as he can... and I was telling Ramesh... I never see him sit so still before... hahahahha!!

And of course.. Ramesh was snapping pictures of him having his FIRST haircut at an Indian barber..

Tada!! Christian's new hair cut...

Hmmmm.. he doesn't look quite happy huh... heheheh...

FYI - hair cut cost RM6 which made mummy and daddy very satisfied.. Great hair cut with great price!!

I guess it will be Indian barber for Christian from now on!!

Random Thoughts

The whole of past week just went like a whiz to me.... Its not really a matter of it being good or bad.. but of course.. I would want to take it as good coz somehow... lessons are learned... may be a small petty thing.. but still....

Came to realise a lot of things... esp things that are right in front of you... but you just can't see them... until someone points it out to you and then you go.... eh ?? Ya hor... How come didn't see it one...

And I also came to terms with my own feelings... not sure about you... but for me... sometimes.. I do realise that the mind and heart don't really go along.... If only they do right.. then everything will be so much less complicated.

So... shall we follow our mind or our heart ? Or can we tune our mind to follow our heart ? My good friend Gerry said many times.. all our thoughts are all controlled by ourselves... if we are mindful enough about it... then we will know that everything exist because of our thoughts... Correct ka Gerry ;) So, without our own thoughts... nothing will exist right ?

Anyway, as the title of my post said... these are just all my random thoughts... here's more...

I have such a deep longing to have a 'normal' family.... I used to think... how come everyone else can have a normal family... happy happy... and why can't I ? It's not so much of comparision... there's nothing to compare really... it's more of... why is my life like this ? What did I do ? Yes... I do agree that it's my journey which I have to go thru... to learn... to be mindful...
Before this post... I used to surrender to it.. as in.. Maybe I'm not meant to have a normal family life... maybe God purposely pick me to be the 'special' one... Hahah... self comforting eh ? I mean.. if God intended me to have a normal family life... why are all these happening to me... ? So.. it must be that I'm not meant for this....

Then I think again.... why not ??? I want it!! Therefore, I am going to have it! I will learn my lesson... learn it well... and have what I want... what truly makes me happy and complete... I need to break this chain... or else... it will go on and on....

Another thought...

Just a question to all... esp girls... How many of you out there... when you decided to get married... you also have divorce at the back of your head...

Can I say none ? Can I say... every of you out there... would think and want it to be forever right ?

That brought me to another thought..

When we say our vow... what does it mean by 'stay thru thick and thin'? or 'for better or for worst' ?
Is there a guidebook that lay out the points that falls under the boundaries of the these 2 sentences... and what not ?
And if what not... that means.. we can go our separate ways ?
If anyone has this book... can you PLEASE lend it to me ?

Back to above.. I bet no girls out there would think of such thought on the day when they get married... And I'm no different...

Somehow... as I was driving back from work last night... while I am still digesting the session that I had with May Lin last week... a light bulb lighted on top of my head.. *tink!!* does it remind you of some cartoon thing when I say that ? hahahahah!
Anyway.. it did... and I came to realise *dunno why... I kinda don't like that word* hehehehe...
That whatever that happened around us... came from us... no one to blame... nothing to blame is more like it...
We may say... but I didn't do it wor.... I didn't start it wor... But somehow... we did... haahahaha.. I dunno how to explain this... But I'm sure you know what I mean...
As for me... I take full responsibility for all that happened around me... and to prevent it from happening again... I will change myself....

Divorce will not solve anything... You are right... as divorce is just a legal term of separation.. it will not solve issues at a different level which was very obvious now... the cycle will continue to go on and on and on.... and worst of all... our next generation will carry this burden of ours wich is totally unfair to them... as how we are carrying our parents' burden now as their issues were not solved then and carries on...

That is WHY we need to tackle these issues... individually... and then together.... and get rid of it one and for all...

I also came to realise... *sigh.. how I don't like that word*... we have to do it for ourselves first and no one else... as everything occur because of ourselves... as what I said above... therefore... I'm doing this for me....

What about you ?

Not totally grey and gloomy

Continuation of the story...

Of coz it's not all grey and gloomy here.. there are lots of good times as well... which when think of it... it's so terribly sad that situations had led to now...

Great moments along the way...

- McDonald Breakfast that guy & girl both enjoyed eventhough girl had to drag guy out of bed coz breakfast ends at 11am!!

- Breakfast sessions at one of the DJ coffeeshop every morning when guy fetch girl to work...

- Guy will wait for hours to pick girl up after work despite of her saying... 5 more minutes!! and guy will not really complain.. even though he will grumble..

- When girl simply mention that she wants to eat 'Maggi Goreng' at wee hours in the morning.. Guy will just turn the kitchen upside down JUST to whip up the maggi goreng.. and end up 'kenaing' from girl for messing up the kitchen...

Guy, girl would like you to know that she really appreciates the effort.

- The moments when guy & girl pick up their new puppies... and of coz the 'dirty' work that came along with it.. where guy had to clean up...

- When 6 pups were borned in the hands of guy & girl even though guy fell asleep half way and girl ended up doing everything... except cutting the umblibical cords... coz she was too chicken to do that and made guy do it...

Bringing up and nursing the 5 little pups healthily till the pups went with their respective owners

- How girl took a day off to take guy to the eye specialist coz he was complaining in the morning that he couldn't open his eyes.. and freaked out...

- All the Waikikis and Backyard outings that both enjoyed and would go almost few times a week.

- How guy & girl overcame the issue of 'haunted' house...

- The house parties that both guy & girl enjoy so much with their friends and families where girl will mostly do all the cooking and guy will do all the cleaning up coz girl hates washing up.

- All the dog parties that they have with their 'doggy friends'

- The trips where girl will follow guy for his location recces... to places like Bagan Datoh.. and meet a 'weird' chinese young man where he gave us a tour of his homestown... and of coz.. to show that we appreciate what he did... we bought him teh tarik just before we left..

- Guy has always supported girl in whatever interest she has... started from knitting... to bentoing... to baking and cake decorating...

Guy has never fail to support girl in whatever way he can on that manner and girl deeply appreciates that..

- All the shopping sprees and splurges... Guy will always get the best things for girl.. of whatever she wants.. when he can afford... and they both enjoy mad shopping sprees... and when girl go mad buying stuff for her interest.. guy never once complain... but just shake his head in silent...
And for that.. girl truly knows how supporting guy is and appreciates that...

- All the gossip sessions guy and girl had with each other... they truly enjoyed that...

And when the little one came along.. they had a great time going on trips... Australia.. and Cameron Highlands..

- Last but not least... no matter what... whenever girl needs help... guy will always drop everything and come to her rescue... for imstant.. when girl was drenched in petrol at the petrol station while filing in petrol... guy came straight from where he was and took care of everything... even to the extend of scolding the petrol station staff...

I'm sure there's more... but these are all what I could think of right now...

Sometimes.. we are so wrapped up with all our own emotions and feelings.,.. we forget all the good things that happened to us.. which is really a waste..

Long long long story..

Let me tell you a story here...
Only for those who in the mood for a story as this is a very very long one... pls read on...

There's this guy and this girl... they met.. the man pursued the woman... and finally after sometime, they became an item.... unfortunately....

The girl moved in with this guy eventually and they go on with their lives as a couple... after a while... the true colors of the guy & girl were revealed.. Guy... extremely possessive & jealous and the girl... more of a rebel... sometimes a little flirt... And of course, this guy cannot accept the girl's way and started lashing out... not once but twice!! And of course that also included lots of rough physical handling... Thats the first time this girl saw the true colors of this guy... she wanted to leave him... but he begged her to stay on..

Stupidly, she gave in and stayed... and as if it's not bad enough... they have decided to get married... How blind can this girl be right ? I mean... there were lots of warning signs of the guy's character.. but she was blinded by the notion of getting married... got carried away is more like it..

They registered... after almost a year, the girl got pregnant... she really want the baby... and when she was in her 11 weeks of pregnancy.. due to some misunderstanding and argument, the guy and the girl had a fight! And the guy told the girl that her baby is dead as he has been poisoning her in her water & food since a few days ago... of coz when the girl heard that, she was very scared and crying and all that... Not that, it's not enough... he slapped her... her glasses broke and flew across the room and tried to grab all her personal belongings such as car keys.. wallet... passport... hp.. so that she will not be able to escape... Fortunately she managed to contact her parents to come and 'save' her... and they came...

The girl went back to her parents place... they took good care of her till she gave birth to a healthy baby boy... and the parents advised the girl that.. now that there's a child... the guy will mend his ways and be a good father... the girl tot the same as well... So she accepted the guy back and very thankful for him to pay for her delivery bills which came up to RM7K..

Things went on pretty ok for a while... before the guy decided that, his job is more important that his family... or baby... and concentrated on his job instead.. not that it's anything wrong with that.... a guy got to do what a guy got to do right ? To make a living and put food on the table... Anyway, the new mom initially got a little upset about it coz she felt that the guy is not helping her out as a dad with their new borned baby boy... but then after a while... she stopped complaining and concluded that, the guy can do whatever he wants.

So she stop complaining. Pls bear in mind... the girl is still staying with her parents with the new borned baby... while the guy comes over every now and then, as and when he wishes..

Then CNY came.. and the guy said he can't make it for CNY.. for the going back hometown yearly routine... coz he had to shift office. Girl said ok... I mean.. what can she said right ?

Girl... baby boy and girl's family went back to hometown.. and came back... after a couple of days.. the nightmare begins..

Out of the sudden... the guy suddenly went berserk... and started accusing the girl of denying him to see his own son! Guy drank so much... made a lot of commotion in front of girl's house... in wee hours in the morning... woke up all the neighbours... and as if he possessed some mad strength.. he broke the front grill gate of the girl's house. And made a mess with his puke in front as well....

As if thats not enough... he went and crash the girl's car.. and used beer bottles to break her car lights....

Anyway to cut the long story short.. police reports were filed... lots of threats from guy to those who helped the girl and her family...
And similar incidents as such happened almost every once a month... from breaking of girl's windscreen... to pulling girl's hair in front of her dad and 2 policemen.. to being remanded in lock up for 4 days... to uncountable sms threats and phone calls... to girl and her family...

It was really bad in year 2007... after a lot of unfortunate series happened, girl has decided to file for a divorce... of coz guy refused to.. for whatever strange reason, we don't know... of coz the custody of the child was involved and all that...

And in the midst of all these, after seperated with guy for 2 yrs... girl got vunerable.. and met someone's husband.. and they had a short affair.. the girl was not proud of what happened... and she felt very bad and guilty and stop the whole thing... and has vowed not to ever repeat such thing again... and was thinking of making amends with guy... as guy was very persistent of not getting a divorce... so girl told guy of her thoughts and they have decided to work things out... and put all the mess behind them.. for the sake of their son.

By then, the Court has granted girl judicial separation (meaning, in the eyes of the law, guy & girl are seperated legally). Despite of getting that order, girl was still thinking of making things work with guy... It went well for a while.... However, after a while... guy found out about the affair of girl had long time ago... and went mad... girl was of course... felt very guilty and sorry and vowed to guy that it ended long time ago and it will never happened again... there were arguments , fights... along the way... but then... guy & girl talked it over again and decided to give each other a chance.

They tried to make things work... however, some how.. it's easier to forgive than to forget... in this case... it's difficult to forgive & forget... Guy keep punishing girl about the affair... esp when he's not in a good mood... lots of verbal diarrhea... nasty comments.... Girl put up with it for a while.. because she knew that it's her fault and she should take all that... Guy did also acknowledge that he too, wants to get over it... and will seek help... with or w/o girl... and promised not to bring the event up again.
However, situations were up and down... more of down... and girl finally realised that she & guy will never work out... no matter what... and despite promising guy way before, to be with him thru thick and thin... and stay as a family... get a house and move in together... She realised that, the issues they're facing will never ever go away...

Of coz girl was still a human being... and does tell white lies to guy because guy was extremely possessive of girl... he even went to the extend to go to the office of the other guy to confront him... and of coz let everyone know what that did and girl did... Guy check girl's phone bills.. want to check girl's personal emails... and traced girl's emails... and smses... always suspiciously thinking that girl is still cheating behind his back... despite of her promising him that she will never do that ever again to him...

Girl know guy hates people lying to him... and girl admitted of doing that sometimes... esp when she doesn't want guy to simply think and assumed... of coz it's wrong for girl to do that... but it was out of fear and phobias that girl did that.... Girl admitted that it was definitely wrong.. and their relationship has gone to really worst till guy & girl cannot trust each other anymore...

So, after giving some serious thoughts, girl has decided to proceed with a divorce despite of all the promises that she made to guy as it is very obvious that things will never work out... both had their wrongs & rights... there's no innocent party here... why not seek a closure and move on.. When guy found out of her intention... he was telling her all the reasons why they should not get a divorce and yada yada yada... and when he realised that that didn't work... he pursued on with lots of nasty threats such as ruining her life... her career... put her behind bars... take her son away and she will never see her son again... IF girl really proceed with the divorce... And guy reminded girl many times that, she PUSHED him to all these.... guy told girl... he gave her an easier option.. which is to keep her promises and be with him... and yet she prefers this helllish route instead... therefore, she's asking for all these upon herself...

Lastly, guy left girl with this note... I will make sure your life crumble...

What do you think girl should do... ?

Self Denial

Gosh!!

My post disappeared when I post!! And I had to retype everything again! D-A-M-N!

This thought or realisation (yes! another one!) was in my head since yesterday...

It all started from an email I wrote informing everyone... hey.. not to worry... we can meet the timeline...
Then I got a call from my Production Manager... and she sorta 'reprimanded' me... Terri.. You know very well that we cannot meet the timeline... Why did you go tell everyone that we can ? And she went on and on and on about why we can't meet the timeline...
I paused for a while and then I told her... hey.. you know what ? You are right... I do know very well that we cannot meet the timeline because of the reasons you told me just now... Then I told her.. I guess I am in self denial...and it's just that I wanted so badly to able to get it done and meet the timeline that I ignored the facts and just went ahead informing everyone blindly.

Hence, after the phone call with my Production Manager, I had to bite the bullet... and write to inform everyone again that we won't be able to meet the timeline... Yeah.. quite embarassing huh... Made a complete fool out of myself in front of everyone... Sigh...

And this event last night sparked my thoughts about certain aspects / issues of my life which I've been dealing with for the past years and still dealing.. and I came to a realisation that... I too... have been in SELF DENIAL in that aspect...

I have been too ignorant to notice all the hints and signs that keeping popping out at me going Red Alert! Red Alert!. I chose to ignore them hoping very hard that it'll go away and things will be what I wanted it to be...

I have been in self denial and kept thinking that.. as long as I keep telling myself that this will work if I just keep telling myself that... and ignore all the small voices that creep in once in a while.. here and there...

After more series of events... I had to force myself to wake up and smell the roses.. and slap myself more than twice.. and say.. hey!! Wake up!! Just because you want it to work the way you want to.. it doesn't mean it will!! Face the bloody truth!! No matter how hard you keep hoping and praying.. and ignoring the harsh realities.. it'll STILL be there... As must as you don't want to... You got to stop kidding yourself and face that... what you want will never happen!

So.. what I am to do ? I have to wake up.. and stop kidding or lying to myself... that this will work as long as I want it to...
As much as I don't want to... I have to face harsh reality and stop living in lalaland..

It's a rude awakening alright... but what choice do I have ?